Up Again

Sleep all day and all up all night.  It seems to be the way of my weekends.  

I’ll lean towards natural remedies as I can, but a little over a week ago I started taking a new medication that is seriously messing with me.  The previous two days weren’t so bad, but today it put me into a state of exhaustion that has been hitting me almost constantly since I started these new fancy Western meds.  

I just went out to see Girl in a Coma play and it may have been the best set I’ve seen them play, but my head space sent me out of there early.  If you aren’t familiar with them, they are quite musically amazing and lovely people to boot.  I’ve followed their activities for a long time and they deserve every success they get.   Their new album is astounding.

A lovely surprise popped out of nowhere when I ran into a former best friend on my way out…another person in the list of those who quickly, loudly, and suddenly made me realize that were never really a good friend.  I spent 13 years of always having her back when few others did.  I am lucky that I DO know so many wonderful people, but, oftentimes, I really hitch my wagon to some questionable ones.  I could go on for the sake of venting that I’d love to do, but I’ll try and maintain the slightest degree of class that I possess.  When it comes down to it, I am loyal to a fault.  In this case, the fault came into play.

I wondered how crossing paths would be when it finally happened.  It felt like waving at an acquaintance I met once at a party a while back.  The will, the urge, the love I once had is gone and I have no urge to ever waste it on some people ever again.  I just hope I can continue to learn where that energy should go…

I am in a state of limbo.  Well, as anyone who has read my spouting over the past few years, my state of limbo has been going for a long time.  I am antsy to continue the rebuild, but my head oftentimes stops me in my tracks.  

I’ve long had an inconvenient brain that likes to squirt out nasty and useless chemicals from time to time.  Not many people like to admit it, but why the hell not.  My brain and I have been in quite the struggle for as long as can I remember.  The exhaustion I’ve had for the last week is a pain in the ass, but I’m hoping something beneficial comes out of it.  To much has gone on hold too often for the sake of the chemicals in my brain.  There has been too many times I’ve defaulted to my blanket fort and the lack of progress that happens in a blanket fort only causes a blanket fort spiral.

I shattered to nothing a few years ago and reassembled the beginnings of something good.  Now I have plans to pursue, but know that I’ve got to take care of the main obstacle of myself.  I want to go back to school and find a day job that fits me.  I want to continue writing music as that creation is my connection to so many of you.  Maybe I even want to move someplace new at some point.  I want to meet more friends that are actually friends.  I have a dear group of women in this town that I adore.  I hope they know that and hope I’ll get to spend more time with them.

I have a group of band people that have changed up repeatedly since I started doing the “Rebound.”  I love the people who currently fit that bill, but I need help/a collaborator/a partner in the creative process.  Is there anyone out there?  I don’t see myself ever touring as intensely as I once did.  If an amazing opportunity arises, I will do it.  But, at the moment, it is all about the creation of a piece of sound that will hit someone right where it counts and give them that “feeling” when you hear a song that was made for you.  I need a partner in music crime.

I want my back to be back to normal after 3 weeks without yoga or other exercise.  Now THAT part has been a royal pain in the ass.

We call these first world problems, but they are here and this is my version.  Here is me telling too much for the sake of knowing that so many of you have the same sloppy pain in the ass brain chemistry.  Here is me sounding full of myself like these words amount to something more than someone who is homeless or suffering from cancer or living in a war zone.

This is it right now.  Even with all this going on in my own mind and little world, I know that I am lucky enough to keep reminding myself that I have free will, an interest in improvement, and know some very lovely people.

4:32 am 4/28/2012

I am up with some sort of insomnia.  I keep falling asleep and jarring awake.  I was closely surrounded by two snoring creatures, so I’ve gotten up.  Took something to try and sleep and now my mind is swimming on that and I’m still awake.

I have a virtual stalker.  I’ve watched with curiosity as this person popped up.  English is not a first language, so writing that would have been odd in the first place is made even more so by language barriers.

It seems like it might be pretty classic though.  This person seems to feel as if I was someone who could solve their problems and sometimes felt as if I was speaking to them on my radio show or on Twitter.  I’ve not blocked them out of curiosity.  Now they are angry because I don’t speak to them even though I never had.

I’m pretty friendly, so I sometimes do write to strangers, but I felt it was best not to say anything here.

People fascinate me.

But it’s been a whirlwind as usual.  I’m still writing music at a snails pace while I assess everything else that needs to change.  Over the last few years, I’ve reassembled a lot of things in the most basic of ways.  Now that I’m up and standing, it’s time to pick a direction.  I think I know that music will always be a part of my life (even if it’s taking me forever to create at the moment), but music really doesn’t pay well if anything at all.  So, it’s time to take everything I’ve learned so far and figure out what will work for me to both make a living off of and make me happy…and maybe afford some flexibility.  I’m always happiest when I’m my own boss.

In a traditional work environment I am very organizational.  I’ve drifted towards the numbers in my current job.  I’m thinking about accounting.  I need to study math I’ve not done in over 20 years to place well on an assessment test…  That is on the plate along with continually slippery footing that keeps distracting me from getting that done.

So much more to say, but the insomnia medication makes it hard to be eloquent.

Lots of Lots and Lots of Nothing.

It’s been a while.  So much to say and I’ve said none of it.

The weather has finally warmed up a little and i have all my windows open for the first time this year.  It’s an interesting change from the snow we had earlier in the week.

Portland gets little snow most winters.  We are known for rain.

Happily, I got out of town for a few days and went on a silent meditation retreat.  

I’ve dealt with levels of anxiety my entire life.  I remember dreading going back to school after vacations.    I sometimes just want to stay in bed all day for no particular reason.  That’s a huge reason for looking into the sugar addition thing.  I’ve also found that yoga and meditation does quite a bit to calm my mind. So, sometimes heading out of town with that as the only intent is the perfect reset button.

It snowed the entire first day there, which was wonderful in itself.  I don’t miss living in sleet for months like I did growing up in New England, but I certainly miss a good snow fall.  When is blankets everything and absorbs sound, it is really quite magical.

I’ve carried a lot of resentment around for a long time towards a couple people who I considered my best friends…and “poof” were either gone in a confusing instant that extends on and on…or just proved that maybe they were never really a friend in the first place.  I could go on and on with descriptions, but I’ll just sound pettier than I probably already do…

Carrying resentment is a pointless thing to to, obviously.  They don’t care about what I carry.  It only effects me.

Like many, I’ve been let down by people I considered trusted friends again and again.  This goes as far back as I remember.  I guess I could say it’s my issue.  (Everyone’s got their shining example of their baggage, right?)  Some of the biggest let downs from people I loved have happened in the last few years, so I guess the biggest instances rest heavy on an already thick sediment of let downs.   For some reason, these recent-ish issues had been weighing heavy again recently.

At the retreat I put a big ugly dumb rock in my pocket and carried it around with these people and instances in mind.  I poured my pissiness into a rock and eventually threw it into a pretty violently flowing river.  I don’t know.  I’ve felt lighter about it since doing that, but maybe it was just the throwing that helped.  I HATE that I still carry this “damage.”  I’ve written off another person who basically told me to “get over it.”  Sure, I’d love that.  It’s a shit burden to still carry…  It’s also the case that no one really knows how long it should or could take.  I wish it had taken a week.

On the bright side, I’ve learned a lot.  I’ve gotten better and better at figuring out how to take care.  I have less fear than I’ve ever had, but I may be more distrustful than ever.  Who knows.  I’ll keep marching on.  I’ll probably continue keep my mouth shut about most of these things b/c I don’t trust most with it…and then I’ll write about it in a big ol’ public blog just to be a hypocrite (and purge too…)

Ok…whine whine whine.  Back to keeping it to myself when my brain decides to be a dick and make me dwell on such things…

Sugar Addiction and Slacking – I Think They’re Related

I’m finally going to admit that I have an addiction – to sugar.  Actually I’ve known this for a long time, but I’m realizing that I may actually need to treat it as an addiction.

I know it sounds silly.  Plenty of us know of the struggles of drug and alcohol addiction.  We’re more familiar with eating disorders and obesity then we used to be.  I don’t purge.  I’m not anorexic.  I’ve not drank in over 3 1/2 years just for the hell of it and it’s been easy for me to do.  My addiction is sugar.

I can sit down and eat a package of cookies in one sitting.  It messes with how I feel physically.  It messes with my head right then and there and probably for days afterwards.  I can stop for a few days and then want to do it again.

About 2 1/2 years ago, I spent a good chunk of time in L.A. and I did an intensive cleanse with my friend Aimee while doing TONS of yoga and other exercise.  I slimmed back up really quickly.  (Keep in mind, I’m certainly not fat, but there’s an obvious physical difference between when I’ve weaned myself off of my drug and when I’m in the midst of sugar loading and the related mood swings.)

And sugar is in EVERYTHING now.  Centuries ago, sugar was difficult to process, so it was only available to the very wealthy.  Now is now and we can see the results and we can hear about the influx of related disease.  Type 2 diabetes runs in my family and I have pretty vicious blood sugar crashes.

As far as I know, there’s no 12 step program for sugar addiction…and it probably wouldn’t quite need to be approached in that depth anyhow.  However, I know I’ve dropped out of things that I said I’d do at the last-minute because of what I might assume to be a sugar related mood swing.  I’d rather stay in my blanket fort than go do something fun or productive.

There are millions of us and so many probably have no idea how much their lives are effected by it.  I’ve ordered a book on how to wean myself off of it…  At some point, I’ll need to realize that I can’t ever eat the stuff again.

I may never have done heroin, but the impression I get is that my addiction to sugar has as much a hold on me as junk has for a heroin addict.

Wish me luck.  I wonder how this will go…

Inspiring Food and Inspiring Music

I’ve lived in this town for a long time now. Portland is still a great place to live even if there are far too many hipster mustaches to laugh at. I admit I get some major wanderlust, but I am often reminded of the good things in this town that often feels way too small for it’s own good.

I had a lovely evening of dining and music with the man I’ve been dating for about 5 months now. I’m not much for Valentines Day, so we celebrated “non-Valentine’s Day” in style yesterday. Keep in mind, that non-Valentines day lands 364 days a year, so if you missed the one last night, there are many options to make up for it. Also keep in mind, that non-Valentines Day is all inclusive…singles and all.

I decided within the week to get tickets to Bob Mould’s combo music and reading night. I think my readers know far too well that I get a little fanatical about Bob Mould, but I’ll save that for later. Regardless, it was a perfect non-Valentine’s date for us.

We decided to go out to dinner ahead of time and had a little bit of a hard time thinking of a place, but then I remembered Blossoming Lotus. It’s a vegan restaurant in town. I may not be vegan, but as I try to focus more and more on some of my bad eating habits and the scary abuse of the worlds resources and animals raised for food, I’d rather support local and humane. (Although, we did have a horribly ridiculous discussion that eventually Montasano is sure to create mutant vegetables that are so smart that they will harvest and prepare themselves.)

Long story short, I do love Blossoming Lotus’ food and am always inspired when something is both so heathy and delectable. The Blossoming Lotus cookbook has been out for a while, but for those of you who aren’t familiar, it is sure to get you thinking…and cooking in some new and exciting ways.

A quick search has brought the book up on Amazon, but I am SURE that there have to be independent bookstores who carry it.

Vegan Fusion World Cuisine: Extraordinary Recipes & Timeless Wisdom from the Celebrated Blossoming Lotus Restaurants

Vegan Fusion World Cuisine: Extraordinary Recipes & Timeless Wisdom from the Celebrated Blossoming Lotus Restaurants

Buy from Amazon

We ended the meal with an awesome ‘cheesecake’ that was not only delicious, but amusing in that it was so hard to cut the pieces would fly across the table. I am amused by launching my food.

—-

To map out the basics’ of my relationship with Bob Mould’s music once again: I bought Zen Arcade at 14 and it set me off in a direction that finally knew that there was music out there that was NOT on the radio. Husker Du had dissolved about a year before I bought the Zen Arcade and Mould had started releasing solo material.

I loved and still love classic punk and hardcore music, but have always appreciated the elements that may expand beyond that. ‘Sunspots’ off of “Workbook” (well the whole album really) was played 100s of times in my bedroom while growing up. I stumbled across the music almost naively, but no matter…it has been a consistent ever since.

The music that I write may sound nothing like his, but it is and always will be engrained in my influences and passion for music. I may have only seen him play one man-one guitar sets thus far, but I kind of appreciate that. The raw passion is there regardless of whatever age he may be… and it was even better to see how much rawer it was when a couple of new songs got played.

Music is the blood type of so many of us and it is something that we can’t and won’t outgrow. We wilt without it. I will likely never really make money off of it, but it doesn’t matter. I make it for me and I make it for you. If music is the blood, then you and I are the cells it feeds.

Lazy Sunday with Frank…

He likes to play fur collar and sit on my neck and head butt me. Later it’s a dinner date and Bob Mould.

It’s all about the simply awesome things today… Really, that should be the case every day…

Still One of My Portland Favorites

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