I stopped by Punknews the other day and noticed that they had posted a note about the Epoxies benefit show. It wasn’t that note that caught my eye, it was the last of the posts.
I remember the Buffalo show. I remember that girl. I’m not sure how I’d react now almost 5 years later. I know my inner (angry) Bostonian is still with me and I’m not sure if she’d come out or not.
The girl was flipping us off and yelling insults from the back of the room. I told her that I was sorry that we didn’t fit into any of her chapters from her Hot Topic book on punk. I asked her to come forward and she wanted to fight me. When I spit, it actually landed on the young man next to her. I apologized to him after the show and he told me that he was never going to wash again. (Ew.) I was glad he was understanding.
I’m not sure how I feel about my reaction that night at this point. I am generally not someone who gets into physical fights. I’ve done some boxing and played some hockey in the past. Regardless, that reaction. I don’t know.
I got a note on Facebook from someone a few weeks ago asking me to get rid of their friend request as I’d not accepted it. I’ve met him a couple of times. I don’t know him well and the second time we interacted he almost started a fight with a slightly ornery drug dealer. I don’t find that appealing. Some things are not worth starting.
Anyhow, I’ve about 200 unaccepted friend requests on Facebook. I waffle between weeding through and letting everyone in. Am I so special to say no to someone on a fricken’ social networking site? Am I so neutral as to say yes?
It’s made me think of my protective walls once again. These are the walls that get me in trouble and create stilted and awkward conversation. Maybe I should just show that awkward to everyone and get over myself. Who doesn’t have an awkward moment now and then.
I got caught behind the ever blinking turn signal on my way home from work yesterday. Did they forget that it was on? Are they going to merge into me if I try and pass them? It reminds me of people I know trying to live their lives these days.
I know some wonderful people who work their assess off and aren’t given the chances they deserve. It’s like they’ve had their signal on for miles, but aren’t given the space to merge over. People drive close to each other to not let anyone else into the lane. They don’t really get any further, but they are still to scared or stubborn to let others in.
It’s the same as the shouting into the wind that I was writing about about a year ago. I stood at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean and knew that if I were to scream at it, the wind would blow the sound of my voice away. My foot in the water was such a small part of such a large body of water, but it felt good to feel the cool on my skin and the sand under my foot.
I need to remember that being a small part of a giant thing is a simple and beautiful thing, but it’s easy to get overwhelmed. I’ve been wandering into that zone a bit these days, so I guess it’s time to step back and let go a little bit. This does not mean I will be lazy. This will mean I will accept the small amount of control that I have and be grateful if my efforts produce results.
I think of more faces today. I think of those that I barely know and find endearing. I think of those I know very well and are struggling. I find beauty in the naive. I find beauty in pain and those who refuse to give up the fight. I hope you find the champions and mentors that you deserve.
I hope that someday, I will have something valid to say to someone.
It seems to be in constant flux in my world. It seems to be in constant flux in the worlds around me. It’s the desire for a foothold. It’s the desire for acknowledgment. Those acknowledgements can span from a single soul to the entire universe.
I’ve had a screwed up back for the last several days. I will move certain ways and my back will spasm and a grunt will come out of me. I can’t do yoga, which is the thing that most grounds me. I feel weak and shaky. I can’t understand the people who don’t move from a seated position for days on end. I feel as if my blood has slowed and pooled in my limbs. Sometimes it’s there mere flow of blood that grounds me and sometimes I want so much more.
I see so much yearning. I can picture face after face and tag the yearning in that person. I can picture my own face on some nights and just wish for the relevance of arms around me in an unconditional love. There are days when that comes from my own arms. Perhaps someday my own arms will be all the relevance I need. But for now, I am reassessing my walls. My, they are tall again.
In some ways I am more open and observant than ever and in others I am less likely to open the door than ever before. There are things I am afraid to say, so I won’t. I am scared of what you will think of me. I am scared I will be rejected again, so I will just keep my mouth shut.
So much more to say and someday I may say it.