By now so many of us have heard about the too many suicides that have been going on amongst gay teens over the last few weeks and beyond. It is so heartbreaking.
I am not a gay woman, so I’ve never experienced bias and/or hatred because of my sexuality. I’ve never had to fear losing friends of family over my sexuality. I’ve never been hated by strangers because of my sexuality, so I can’t say I relate in that sense. However, I grew up with my own version of social hell, ridicule, and ostracization. I guess I did learn what a lesbian was when the neighbor bully called me a “lez.” I was in the front yard with my shirt off and I had very short hair because my mother liked the way it brought out my eyes. I hated it because it made me a target.
So, there’s that word used as a slur. I used to worry that that bully would cause me physical harm. I was so scared of him. I dreaded going to school because I didn’t know what sort of taunts or rejections I had to face that day. I was sad and angry and on guard and alone. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but my parents didn’t even know what was going on with me. No one did outside of the kids at school and my friends. My friends were scared of being associated with me to the point that they rejected me as well. (As a side note, one of these women is still one of my dearest friends. Love you, Michelle.)
I think I never considered suicide only because I didn’t know it was something that could be acted upon. But even if I knew of it or how to do it, I’m glad I am here. I am not going to say that I am completely free of some haunting memories of feeling completely alienated, but it IS dealing with these experiences for years that has given me the strength I have today. So, thank you to the bullies and fairweather friends of yesteryear. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t know how to write a song or take a photo or set up a tour or love music the way I do or write or have met wonderful people all over the world or have toured the world at all or …any number of things.
Love who you want. Love what you do. Take in the pain of one day to know that a phoenix rises the next… It does get better regardless of how fucked up one day, one week, one year might be. When you make it though this…you will be better than ever.
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