It’s been a while. So much to say and I’ve said none of it.
The weather has finally warmed up a little and i have all my windows open for the first time this year. It’s an interesting change from the snow we had earlier in the week.
Portland gets little snow most winters. We are known for rain.
Happily, I got out of town for a few days and went on a silent meditation retreat.
I’ve dealt with levels of anxiety my entire life. I remember dreading going back to school after vacations. I sometimes just want to stay in bed all day for no particular reason. That’s a huge reason for looking into the sugar addition thing. I’ve also found that yoga and meditation does quite a bit to calm my mind. So, sometimes heading out of town with that as the only intent is the perfect reset button.
It snowed the entire first day there, which was wonderful in itself. I don’t miss living in sleet for months like I did growing up in New England, but I certainly miss a good snow fall. When is blankets everything and absorbs sound, it is really quite magical.
I’ve carried a lot of resentment around for a long time towards a couple people who I considered my best friends…and “poof” were either gone in a confusing instant that extends on and on…or just proved that maybe they were never really a friend in the first place. I could go on and on with descriptions, but I’ll just sound pettier than I probably already do…
Carrying resentment is a pointless thing to to, obviously. They don’t care about what I carry. It only effects me.
Like many, I’ve been let down by people I considered trusted friends again and again. This goes as far back as I remember. I guess I could say it’s my issue. (Everyone’s got their shining example of their baggage, right?) Some of the biggest let downs from people I loved have happened in the last few years, so I guess the biggest instances rest heavy on an already thick sediment of let downs. For some reason, these recent-ish issues had been weighing heavy again recently.
At the retreat I put a big ugly dumb rock in my pocket and carried it around with these people and instances in mind. I poured my pissiness into a rock and eventually threw it into a pretty violently flowing river. I don’t know. I’ve felt lighter about it since doing that, but maybe it was just the throwing that helped. I HATE that I still carry this “damage.” I’ve written off another person who basically told me to “get over it.” Sure, I’d love that. It’s a shit burden to still carry… It’s also the case that no one really knows how long it should or could take. I wish it had taken a week.
On the bright side, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve gotten better and better at figuring out how to take care. I have less fear than I’ve ever had, but I may be more distrustful than ever. Who knows. I’ll keep marching on. I’ll probably continue keep my mouth shut about most of these things b/c I don’t trust most with it…and then I’ll write about it in a big ol’ public blog just to be a hypocrite (and purge too…)
Ok…whine whine whine. Back to keeping it to myself when my brain decides to be a dick and make me dwell on such things…