Up Again

Sleep all day and all up all night.  It seems to be the way of my weekends.  

I’ll lean towards natural remedies as I can, but a little over a week ago I started taking a new medication that is seriously messing with me.  The previous two days weren’t so bad, but today it put me into a state of exhaustion that has been hitting me almost constantly since I started these new fancy Western meds.  

I just went out to see Girl in a Coma play and it may have been the best set I’ve seen them play, but my head space sent me out of there early.  If you aren’t familiar with them, they are quite musically amazing and lovely people to boot.  I’ve followed their activities for a long time and they deserve every success they get.   Their new album is astounding.

A lovely surprise popped out of nowhere when I ran into a former best friend on my way out…another person in the list of those who quickly, loudly, and suddenly made me realize that were never really a good friend.  I spent 13 years of always having her back when few others did.  I am lucky that I DO know so many wonderful people, but, oftentimes, I really hitch my wagon to some questionable ones.  I could go on for the sake of venting that I’d love to do, but I’ll try and maintain the slightest degree of class that I possess.  When it comes down to it, I am loyal to a fault.  In this case, the fault came into play.

I wondered how crossing paths would be when it finally happened.  It felt like waving at an acquaintance I met once at a party a while back.  The will, the urge, the love I once had is gone and I have no urge to ever waste it on some people ever again.  I just hope I can continue to learn where that energy should go…

I am in a state of limbo.  Well, as anyone who has read my spouting over the past few years, my state of limbo has been going for a long time.  I am antsy to continue the rebuild, but my head oftentimes stops me in my tracks.  

I’ve long had an inconvenient brain that likes to squirt out nasty and useless chemicals from time to time.  Not many people like to admit it, but why the hell not.  My brain and I have been in quite the struggle for as long as can I remember.  The exhaustion I’ve had for the last week is a pain in the ass, but I’m hoping something beneficial comes out of it.  To much has gone on hold too often for the sake of the chemicals in my brain.  There has been too many times I’ve defaulted to my blanket fort and the lack of progress that happens in a blanket fort only causes a blanket fort spiral.

I shattered to nothing a few years ago and reassembled the beginnings of something good.  Now I have plans to pursue, but know that I’ve got to take care of the main obstacle of myself.  I want to go back to school and find a day job that fits me.  I want to continue writing music as that creation is my connection to so many of you.  Maybe I even want to move someplace new at some point.  I want to meet more friends that are actually friends.  I have a dear group of women in this town that I adore.  I hope they know that and hope I’ll get to spend more time with them.

I have a group of band people that have changed up repeatedly since I started doing the “Rebound.”  I love the people who currently fit that bill, but I need help/a collaborator/a partner in the creative process.  Is there anyone out there?  I don’t see myself ever touring as intensely as I once did.  If an amazing opportunity arises, I will do it.  But, at the moment, it is all about the creation of a piece of sound that will hit someone right where it counts and give them that “feeling” when you hear a song that was made for you.  I need a partner in music crime.

I want my back to be back to normal after 3 weeks without yoga or other exercise.  Now THAT part has been a royal pain in the ass.

We call these first world problems, but they are here and this is my version.  Here is me telling too much for the sake of knowing that so many of you have the same sloppy pain in the ass brain chemistry.  Here is me sounding full of myself like these words amount to something more than someone who is homeless or suffering from cancer or living in a war zone.

This is it right now.  Even with all this going on in my own mind and little world, I know that I am lucky enough to keep reminding myself that I have free will, an interest in improvement, and know some very lovely people.

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3 Comments

  1. I have lovely memories of Oregon. I didn’t live in PDX, but I know there’s good folk there.
    I identify with some of what you’re spouting. It takes good courage to put it out here. Doubtless you are headed in the right direction, you have much going for you. You have contributed to my musicscape. Be patient with yourself, stay positive, keep positive company and I’ll be looking forward to whatever you get going next.

  2. You are such a natural writer, I always wish there was more. Hopefully
    you are on the path to finding someone that you deserve, and that deserves you. If I was single…

  3. I’ve always been slightly fascinated with the “end” of stories that everyone tends to ignore. It’s like, in most cases,everyone’s been conditioned by the standard movie format to just assume that after everyone’s had a break, everything turns out lovely and fantastic.

    In reality, after the credits roll, the characters have to go back to living their life. (It’s one of the reasons why I love Neuromancer so much, because the book goes on just a bit farther than you expect and the characters move on to their lives)

    The reason why I bring it up, is that it seems that you’re at a crossroads of a sort. You’ve been successful and most people would think that that was it, you’ve made it, but now you have to try and figure out who and what you are going to be next.

    On the case of work, I think the real question is to ask what you’re fascinated with, what would you love to work with? If you just ask what you’re good at doing, then you risk ending up in a job you hate just because you’re good at it (yuck).

    I, personally, would recommend considering the sciences. One, they’re fascinating and give you an opportunity to push the boundaries of what people know. Two, you can really specialize to what you wish. Three, the sciences can be more tolerant of difference than other areas: it’s generally multicultural and you can usually decide how you want to do things for yourself. Bonus points: it’s a classically punk rock decision: just ask Dr. Gaffin or Dexter Holland.

    Besides, if you do accounting, you may be good at the numbers, but will you really want to be someone’s accountant for hours a day?

    The good news is this: you can always play and write music and it’s hard to take that away.


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