Sleep all day and all up all night. It seems to be the way of my weekends.
I’ll lean towards natural remedies as I can, but a little over a week ago I started taking a new medication that is seriously messing with me. The previous two days weren’t so bad, but today it put me into a state of exhaustion that has been hitting me almost constantly since I started these new fancy Western meds.
I just went out to see Girl in a Coma play and it may have been the best set I’ve seen them play, but my head space sent me out of there early. If you aren’t familiar with them, they are quite musically amazing and lovely people to boot. I’ve followed their activities for a long time and they deserve every success they get. Their new album is astounding.
A lovely surprise popped out of nowhere when I ran into a former best friend on my way out…another person in the list of those who quickly, loudly, and suddenly made me realize that were never really a good friend. I spent 13 years of always having her back when few others did. I am lucky that I DO know so many wonderful people, but, oftentimes, I really hitch my wagon to some questionable ones. I could go on for the sake of venting that I’d love to do, but I’ll try and maintain the slightest degree of class that I possess. When it comes down to it, I am loyal to a fault. In this case, the fault came into play.
I wondered how crossing paths would be when it finally happened. It felt like waving at an acquaintance I met once at a party a while back. The will, the urge, the love I once had is gone and I have no urge to ever waste it on some people ever again. I just hope I can continue to learn where that energy should go…
I am in a state of limbo. Well, as anyone who has read my spouting over the past few years, my state of limbo has been going for a long time. I am antsy to continue the rebuild, but my head oftentimes stops me in my tracks.
I’ve long had an inconvenient brain that likes to squirt out nasty and useless chemicals from time to time. Not many people like to admit it, but why the hell not. My brain and I have been in quite the struggle for as long as can I remember. The exhaustion I’ve had for the last week is a pain in the ass, but I’m hoping something beneficial comes out of it. To much has gone on hold too often for the sake of the chemicals in my brain. There has been too many times I’ve defaulted to my blanket fort and the lack of progress that happens in a blanket fort only causes a blanket fort spiral.
I shattered to nothing a few years ago and reassembled the beginnings of something good. Now I have plans to pursue, but know that I’ve got to take care of the main obstacle of myself. I want to go back to school and find a day job that fits me. I want to continue writing music as that creation is my connection to so many of you. Maybe I even want to move someplace new at some point. I want to meet more friends that are actually friends. I have a dear group of women in this town that I adore. I hope they know that and hope I’ll get to spend more time with them.
I have a group of band people that have changed up repeatedly since I started doing the “Rebound.” I love the people who currently fit that bill, but I need help/a collaborator/a partner in the creative process. Is there anyone out there? I don’t see myself ever touring as intensely as I once did. If an amazing opportunity arises, I will do it. But, at the moment, it is all about the creation of a piece of sound that will hit someone right where it counts and give them that “feeling” when you hear a song that was made for you. I need a partner in music crime.
I want my back to be back to normal after 3 weeks without yoga or other exercise. Now THAT part has been a royal pain in the ass.
We call these first world problems, but they are here and this is my version. Here is me telling too much for the sake of knowing that so many of you have the same sloppy pain in the ass brain chemistry. Here is me sounding full of myself like these words amount to something more than someone who is homeless or suffering from cancer or living in a war zone.
This is it right now. Even with all this going on in my own mind and little world, I know that I am lucky enough to keep reminding myself that I have free will, an interest in improvement, and know some very lovely people.